Don't Brand Me, Bro!

As all five of you who read this blog regularly know, all too often we (that's the royal we, you know, the editorial) cover recent legal happenings. Sometimes they're interesting. Sometimes they're mundane. Sometimes you probably have no idea why we even bother...'tis the nature of the beast.

But today we've got what we believe is a fun one.

What do you get when you mix a mentally unstable science teacher who doesn't believe in evolution with high voltage electrical devices and of course, children? You guessed it - a lawsuit.

Oh, and if you're one of this guy's 8th graders, a cross branded into your arm.

Yep, a cross BRANDED (as in branded like cattle) with an electrical device described in the complaint as having "a high voltage output that should never be used to touch human skin." Oops, guess someone missed that memo.

Now look, 8th graders can be ornery. Of that we have no doubt. But god only knows (pun intended) what a kid would have to do to be branded with a cross by what you would hope is a responsible adult mentor.

One way or another, Duderino smells a little respondeat superior. Or maybe that's just burning 14-year-old flesh. You decide.

Uplifting story, isn't it?

SOURCE:
Shaping Young Minds and Branding Young Bodies [ATL]

Legalese - The Language of Love...

Little known fact - Duderino is what he likes to call a "dual lingual threat."

See, in addition to an obvious mastery of the English language, Duderino is also conversant in the professional language of the Bar. He knows what's going on in the trial courts. He's privy to the latest precedents. So he feels he's in a unique position to share this with those of you who are less fortunate. Or perhaps that is more fortunate...

Either way, Duderino would like to offer you a look at the following 10 legalese terms you can use as creative slang to spice up those ever-so-fun relationship conversations.

1. "You need me!" = I am an Indispensable Party to this litigation!
2. "Can't we just start over?" = Let's examine this claim De Novo.
3. "If that's how you want it." = I'll give your decision Full Faith and Credit.
4. "What have you ever done for me?" = I'd like a Bill of Particulars.
5. "You knew what I was like when you married me." = Caveat Emptor, baby.
6. "I've got nothing left to give." = My heart is Insolvent.
7. "It's over!" = This case is Dismissed, With Prejudice!
8. "We're both to blame." = We share Joint and Several Liability in this.
9. "Can we just talk about this later?" = I'd like to file a Continuance.
10. "You'll never see me naked again." = Cert. Denied!

You may be seated now.

No Thong?...Denied!

You mean a bunch of dudes wearing banana hammocks can't even get together and build a human pyramid anymore? What is this country coming to? Really!

What am I blathering about? I'll tell you what I'm blathering about. Apparently some politically conscious young chaps in Lancaster County, Pennsylvania got themselves in some hot water back in 2004 for protesting the Iraq War by, you guessed it, building a human pyramid while wearing nothing but thongs. Guess the police out in Amish Country don't much care for public lewdness.

Anyways, these zealous young men recently got some unfortunate news. Their bid to revive a civil suit against the troopers who arrested them was shut down by a 3rd Circuit Federal Court. On May 23, the 3rd Circuit U.S. Court of Appeals upheld a lower court decision from 2006 stating that PA State Troopers had probable cause to arrest the capricious youths because it looked like they were completely naked. Sounds fair enough, right? But I mean, if a man can't protest the Iraq War in a thong, how can he protest it? Seriously...

And just so we're clear - Duderino finds absolutely no correlation between his Southeastern Pennsylvania roots and penchant for wearing thongs...I mean...

Thong-Clad Protesters Stripped of Civil Rights Suit [Legal Intelligencer]

Erev Shabbos, Dude...

Saturday Donny [and by Donny I mean you all], is the Jewish day of rest. From Sundown on Friday to Sundown on Saturday, those who observe this holy practice "don't work, don't get in a car, don't fucking ride in a car, don't pick up the phone, don't turn on the oven, and sure as shit don't fucking roll!"

So when New York lawyer, Norman Schoenfeld, was repeatedly reprimanded for ignoring emails on Saturdays and not staying late on Fridays, he did what every self respecting religious zealot would do - he sued.

Just so you know, Duderino is not Jewish. But he does highly approve of this kind of litigation. Sure you could say it's a waste of judicial resources (after all, investigating motives behind so called religious discrimination can be difficult). But look, religious views aside, no one should be forced to work outside the confines of the traditional 9-5 work day. Let alone on a Saturday! That's just unamerican any way you slice it...

In fact, Duderino might even take a page out of Schoenfeld's book and tell his boss(es) he's Jewish and observing Shabbos the next time they ask him to work late on a Friday or answer an email on a Saturday. How would they know the diff?

Of course, openly admitting that one is not of a certain religious persuasion on one's blog is somewhat of a tip off (see paragraph 3), but let's be honest - who really reads this thing anyway?

Happy Tuesday Blog Friends, in case you hadn't noticed, Duderino's back!!

PS - This post is not intended to offend anyone. If you are Jewish and disturbed by Duderino's intimations about impersonating a member of the Hebrew persuasion, please accept his sincerest apologies. And remember, this whole blog is one giant farce. Do not take this post or anything Duderino says as a sign of disrespect. It is simply a musing and nothing more. True.